Copyright © Everyday Essay

I am lost sometimes. It’s not the same air that I used to breathe. Not the same sky  I used to see. Not the same clouds I used to stare at. Not the same stars that used to shine on me.

At some point, I used to love those things. But then again, there is nothing constant. Every once in a while, I’m missing the usual world. I tried connecting to the most uncommon ones with hopes of making to the odds behind. Yet, I still find me in the things I am accustomed with. 

I can leave but I can’t detach from it. I am free but my pieces are there, scattered.   

By Candy Zinampan
09.22.2011

Anong kilabot ang nadarama sa tuwing maaamoy mo ang lahat ng mga alaala? Kilig, pagkasaya, pagkalungkot at paminsan-minsa’y ang pangungulila. Isang beses sa ating paglalakbay, dala ng hangin ang halimuyak at ang buong kapaligiran ay nagiging larawan na ng nakaraan. Unti-unti mang maglaho ang amoy subali’t ang alaala pa rin ay naroroon.  

“For what it’s worth, I know it’s worth all the while. It’s something unpredictable but in the end, it’s right. I hope you had the time of your life.” - Good Riddance (Time of your Life) by Green Day

It’s funny how sometimes you thought of all you’ve gone through ,and you’ll then realize how in the world you have survived all of it. It is just unbelievable when in that very moment you felt you can’t make it and almost died out of it, but here you are, alive and kicking and still going. 

There are endless efforts we are putting into things not knowing if there’ll be also something special waiting for us at the end of the rainbow. There are moments when we hesitate to do something because of the uncertainty of what it can become, but then again, we choose to believe and do so.  Whatever may the result be, successful or a complete failure, exceptional bliss or an excruciating pain, it’s still we who are and were the cause of it all. It is and was our choice. 

Choices are not always what’s right, it can be wrong sometimes, that’s why it is a gamble. It is unknown to the future but it is known to the heart. It is, for a lot of us, what we want than what we need. It may or may not matter how much time and energy you’ve given up for it. It is what you’ve actually felt when you’re fulfilling it that makes it worthwhile. We may have regrets at its aftermath, nevertheless it is what’s in between the manner of it that is of great value.

For what it’s worth, somehow, all choices are worth all the while.

Lumilipad ang isip doon sa himpapawid. Hibang. Natutulog sa panaginip, nangangarap ng gising. Hibang. Nagbubulag-bulagan, nagbibingi-bingihan, nagpipipi-pipihan, manhid. Hibang. Naniniwala sa katwiran, umiiwas sa katotohan. Hibang. Iniwan ng katinuan at bait. Hibang. Nagtatago sa dilim, natatakpan ng anino. Hibang.

“I’ve been in the same situation but in a different position.”

Back then, I don’t understand how it feels to do that kind of thing. When it seems so wrong, but it just felt so right. When all I can do is to question all those things that I don’t have any idea at all. 

The truth is, life is like a wheel. Just like an Aegis song says, “Gulong ng buhay/patuloy-tuloy sa pag-ikot/minsan ako’y nasa ilalim/sana ngayo’y nasa ibabaw naman”. It just simply says we all have our turns. At some point, we’re down and then the next day, we’re up. It all comes down with the matter of choice, whether to or not to.

There is a truth behind the saying that you can never understand a person’s feelings towards something when you’re not in his/her shoe yourself. I know, this may seem so vague, but I chose not to put any clues to my words. I’m grateful that my turn had finally come and now, I’m able to understand those kind of things in a very nice way. This, perhaps is another note to life.

From the not-so-familiar,
Candy Z.

Hanggang saan ka papadala? Papadala hanggang sa wala ka na palang napala at unti-unti ka nang nagkakasala.
Hanggang saan ka aabot? Aabot sa hanggang wala nang natira na kahit isa at naiwan ka na rin palang nagiisa.
Hanggang saan ka pupunta? Pupunta hanggang sa naliligaw at nawawala ka na pala.
Hanggang saan ka tatakbo? Tatakbo hanggang sa sugat sugat na ang mga binti mo at wala na palang humahabol sayo.

Hanggang saan ka?

Kahit ilang beses mo pang itanong ito sa sarili mo, ‘di mo pa rin malalaman ang sagot kung hindi ka pa umaabot sa dulo.
Sukatin mo man ang milya-milyang nilakad mo, balewala lang din kung di ka pa nakakarating sa dulo.
Bilangin mo man lahat ng mga pagkakasala mo, walang kuwenta pa rin kung di mo malalaman ang magiging resulta sa dulo.

Alam ng mundo na ang lahat ng bagay ay may hangganan. May simula dahil may katapusan. May umpisa dahil may dulo. Lahat ay may katuwang, kapareha, o maaring kabaligtaran. May tama dahil may mali. May mabuti dahil may masama.

Mapait ang katotohanan sapagkat ang sukatan ng kabuuan ay ang hangganan. Kaya habaan mo ang pisi ng iyong pasensya at buksan mo ang pinto ng iyong konsensiya. Painitin mo ang alab sa iyong puso at pairalin mo ang pag-asa sa iyong kaluluwa.

Kung nakarating ka na sa dulo, ‘di ko ako sigurado kung mapalad ka. Pero ikuwento mo kung anong naroon.

Ikaw, hanggang saan ka?

Ang sarap sana ng ganitong feeling, kaso wrong timing. 

The play is over. My role has ended. I’m tired of hiding so I’ll start on seeking.